@SlowUptake asks - “Dear Dot, there appear to be only four basic kinds of food. I seek a fifth - but where should I look?”
The first four kinds are, if I remember rightly – Warm Paste, Animal, Sugar Cane, and Underground Husks. The fifth is, I think, a sort of underdeveloped group of pastries with weird edges, which you can usually find under upturned boats or inside the old newspapers in your local library.
***
@aynzwvasks - “Will I kill again?”
Murder? I really hope so, you’re great. Stand-up comedy? Don’t know. I think your last gig was a bit of a fluke, the audience were all enormously drunk and stupid. You also can’t always rely on the ghost of Virginia Woolf getting the crowd whipped up with her special trotting dance. Give it a go, but don’t say I didn’t warn you. Don’t say it in a ‘Scottish’ accent either.
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@jamesrwoods asks - “What is my earliest childhood memory?”
You are in your mother’s wheelbarrow, near the sea. It is dusk. A louse plays inside a post box; he is almost too relaxed. Someone else’s petrol is nearby. Graeme Garden shakes his head, but he doesn’t mind. It’s very hazy. From this, you are birthed.
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@Ita99 asks - “How do I dispose of a body? Please note that I am not claiming to be at fault here.”
Since there is no such thing as ‘disposing’, or ‘bodies’, or ‘faults’, your question makes little sense. Do you mean “How do I of a? Please note that I am not claiming to be at here?” If so, then yes. But they cost about 4p a dozen and they disappear almost straight away.
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@quisquilian says - “I am frightened by the concept of the infinite farce; Charlie Chaplin stuck on a loop in my head. How to get him out?”
You can’t. You can get the loop down to .062 seconds, so it just looks like a lightly vibrating static image. But you can only do it once, so pick your moment. Since 2004, Belinda Carlisle has been trying to sing and make sandwiches and buy dogs with a load of extras from ‘The Great Dictator’ in the corner of her eye.
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@DanAndDanFilms asks - “My Christmas tree has yet to be collected by the council. Should I remove it from the cellar?”
DON’T YOU DARE, ever, ever say anything like that to me again, you rotten cup of piss. I ought to have you arrested so hard your feet die. Oh sorry, I thought you were my daughter.
There’s a vogue for having a Christmas tree shaped hole in the front of your home. I’m sure that some chilly hipsters would appreciate being able to plug up their ‘apartment’ when the temperature drops - give it to them.
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@FliesOpen asks - “How can I tell my cat loves me?”
The same way you can tell a human loves you - you can’t. Sorry to burst your bubble. (Why did you have a bubble?) They just really, really like free, prepared food and not sitting in a bush in the rain.
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@richardwoods asks - “Dear Dot, I have recently had some difficulties utilising physical objects. Can you help?”
Only on weekends, between 4pm and 6pm. Here are some things I won’t do:
Stir. Switch off anything with a 13 amp fuse. Switch anything on. Sit down on an unbroken chair. Grasp, hold, click or manipulate anything made between 6th and the 18th of July 2009. Laugh, prescribe any sorts of mood stabiliser, anti-psychotic, or MAOI inhibitor without your full medical history and a sweet natured parrot somewhere in the room. (No green ones.) Bake, rake, mop, soak or arrange. I must have genuine positive reinforcement and constant approval from at least ONE famous bicyclist. No noises over 20,000KHZ. Otherwise, yes.
***
The rest of your questions will be answered in a short minute.
@SaliWho says - “I can’t think of anything interesting to text my Nan’s sister. It can’t just be “Hi.” She’s old. It has to read like a postcard.”
I thought of this while I was dying earlier.
“Dear Bjork, it’s so cold here! Hestor and the boys are losing their minds trying to eat a rotten crate we found in the lake, they’re so boring lol. Hestor said the funniest thing earlier, but I forget what it was. I am protecting a rectangle of my face from the terrible winds by holding my phone up while texting you this, so thanks.”
“Yours in Christ,
your relative, Sali.”
* * *
@TheAdamAsh says - “I need to make more bank!”
I have no idea what your question is, or if it is even a question. But if you feel like doing something, please remember that the elderly love quality television. I recommend you make a short series of films about the East India Company, or a clever advert for vitamins. They don’t have to have a huge budget, just get the tone right.
* * *
@1755Dictionary asks – “I have hair growing on my palms, what does this mean?”
The French have a saying - ‘Je m’appelle Sandrine’, which is French for ‘I feel weak in the morning’, which, translated into Japanese, sounds a lot like a sort of mild insult about gloves - which are exactly the sort of things you should be covering your hands with. As far as what it means, the literal translation of ‘I have hair growing on my palms’ is, funnily enough, ‘Je m’appelle Sandrine’.
* * *
@BurnTheWitch9 asks - “I need a wee. What shall I do?”
If you do decide to ‘go’, put everything you own in boxes, say your goodbyes and get ready to be completely alone for the rest of your ‘life’, because you are FINISHED. It’s over. You can change your name, buy a new face if you want, but people will know, they always do. There is a woman at the end of my road called ‘Rhythmic Paula’ who did a wee in a friend’s bathroom months ago and you can still see it all over her face. No-one likes women ‘like that’.
* * *
@IanMartin asks - “Dear Dorothy: My dog’s got no soul. How does he cope with existential angst?” (PS re: dog. I have no dog. Is this ‘bad’?)
He doesn’t have to. A soulless dog not completely paralysed with its own angst will, though, become a disgusting focus for everyone else’s. If you’ve ever seen a grown sailor or shepherd rolling around on the floor in front of a greyhound and shouting about Engels, you’ll know what I mean.
This sort of dog tends to get sad quite quickly and becomes a burden to those wanting to play with it, or look at it. No-one needs or doesn’t need a weary pet, whether it exists or not. If I have to buy you one just to get rid of it, it won’t be fair on me, particularly. ENGELS!
* * *
@BellJarred asks “When will I have a month where everything feels right?”
Fifty years after you die, you get two and a half hours of this feeling. Only if you’re wealthy too.
* * *
@rhodri says - “I need to broach the subject of money with a friend, but I don’t know how to do it.”
Don’t do it. I mentioned the Lira to an acquaintance a while ago and he smashed up my street terribly. One of my closest childhood friends will only speak to me through a straw because I did a cough that sounded like ‘NASDAQ’. I only tell you this because you asked.
* * *
@vivmondo asks “I find my work draining and unfulfilling. What should I do?”
Sing fun songs. An old Spaniard that worked for me in the 30’s used to wander around in my garden at night singing this song (I will translate.) Hope it helps. You can change the words if you want.
My treetop home, my treetop home,
Seems nice from down here,
But in it, in it, when I’m alone,
I fill out internet surveys for £13 a day,
Fal-da-ra.
